Thursday, April 5, 2007

Pisica patrata vs. Pisica imbibata in rachiu

Pisica patrata este o pisica. Si este patrata. Bineinteles ca un astfel de animal magic nu exista in realitate... cel putin asa cred (totusi granita dintre realitate si irealitate este una foarte ambigua in cazul grupului social din care facem parte).
Pisica patrata este de fapt un stensil, daca ma exprim cum trebuie sau daca folosesc termenul corect, nefiind foarte la curent cu terminologiile folosite de curentul urban central si asa-zis underground. Pentru mine este un desen intalnit pe pereti. Pereti pe strada (ziduri) si pereti din interior.
Ceea ce face pisica patrata atat de vizibila este insasi natura sa si caracteristica sa fundamentala: corpul ce forma unor unghiuri drepte la care sunt atasate patru membre, o coada si un cap. Capul este cel care ne dezvaluie indentitatea reala a acestui animal extraodinar. Datorita prezentei pisicii patrate in nenumarate locuri frecventate de grupul de prieteni din care fac parte, aceasta a ajuns sa fie indragita si chiar adoptata ca un simbol al perindarilor noastre nocturne cand haladuim prin acest oral atat de drag noua. A devenit chiar un fel de prieten omniprezent la a carui aparitie ne entuziasmam. Absenta pisicii patrate ar insemna o grea si dureroasa pierdere pentru povestea peripetiilor noastre nocturne si de aceea oricine sterge pisica patrata de pe zidul unde si-a facut aparitia merita si va primi un pumn in gat.

Un alt fel de pisica este pisica imbibata in rachiu. Este tot o pisica dar este diferita in mod fundamental de pisica patrata. Este in acelasi timp si necunoscuta marii majoritati a celor ce vor citi aceste randuri si de aceea am simtit nevoia sa va vorbesc despre acest animal. Spre deosebire de pisica patrata, pisica imbibata in rachiu exista in realitate. Deosebirile sunt numeroase dar nu le voi aminti decat pe cele mai importante si mai vizibile. In primul rand pisica imbibata in rachiu nu este patrata. In al doilea rand mediul din care provine este complet diferit decat mediul de provenienta al pisicii patrate. Din acest motiv si locul unde am intalnit-o nu are nici o legatura cu locurile unde se poate intalni de obicei pisica patrata, fiind vorba aici de mediul academic. Cu parere de rau va spun ca nu am intalnit personal acest animal deosebit de interesant, auzind despre pisica imbibata in rachiu in timpul unui curs care se numeste Studii Strategice. De fapt relatarea despre pisica imbibata in rachiu este la randul sau o relatare despre o relatare a unui martor ocular. Prin acest lant de relatari care se mai numeste si istorie orala (precum la stramosii din vechime) a ajuns pisica imbibata in rachiu sa-mi fie cunoscuta.

Dar ce este?
Ei bine pisica imbibata in rachiu este prezentata intr-o lucrare din evul mediu despre metode si tehnologii de asediu, scrisa de un calugar catolic cu un nume ce nu mi-a fost cu putinta sa il retin. In vreme ce pentru vestul Europei acest calugar prezenta masini de razboi destul de complicate si moderne, pentru estul continentului cele prezentate erau mai „rudimentare”. Ce sare in ochi imediat este... ati ghicit, pisica imbibata in rachiu! Aceasta era folosita in timpul asedierii unor fotificatii ca arma ofensiva. In acest moment va intrebati cum era posibil ca niste oameni intregi la minte sa foloseasac o pisica ca arma ofensiva in timp ce in acelsi timp, la nu mai mult de 2000 de km distanta Leonardo Da Vinci proiecta masinarii ce sunt considerate si astazi ca fiind inovatoare. Nu este ceva foarte iesit din comun avand in vedere marele decalaj dintre vestul si estul vechiului continent, decalaj prezent in abosolut toate domeniile.

Dar cum functiona?
Se lua una bucata pisica de casa, se tinea de coada si se afunda intr-un butoi de rachiu. Dupa aceea, de aceasi coada se lega o varianta rudimentara de fitil careia i se dadea foc. Pisica era pozitionata pe o prajina foarte lunga ce era indreptata spre crenelurile sau ferestrele fortificatiei pe care o asediau proprietarii pisicii si al rachiului. In momentul in care fitilul aprins se termina si coada animalului se aprindea, pisica o lua la sanatoasa in singura directie posibila: cea impusa de prajina. Prin astfel de actiuni se urmarea evident incendierea fortificatiei respective. Mai era o alternativa la acest procedeu: daca nu era posibila folosirea unei prajini, pisica era lansata in vre-un fel sau altul catre obiectivul celui ce manuia aceasta arma. Procedeele de lansare nu ne-au fost prezentate si de aceea va las pe voi sa va imaginati asemeanea bazaconii si mai mari. Saraca pisica!

Acum ma intreb daca ar trebui adoptata si pisica imbibata in rachiu in asa fel cum a fost adoptata surata sa ireala si transformata intr-un simbol urban. Caci simbol este, un simbol al neingraditei gradini in care traim si al nesfarsitului izvor de idei care caracterizeaza umanitatea.
Mai am cateva intrebari: de ce nu beau ostenii ei insusi rachiul folosit pentru imbibarea pisicii? (rachiu care i-ar fi facut capabili sa foloseasa fara probeleme prajinile sau celelalte metode de lansare pentru a patrunde in fortificatii); ar fi mai eficient un cal imbibat in rachiu? (un animal mult mai mare care ar provoca mai mult haos si care ar arde mai lent si cu o vapaie mai mare din cauza suprafetei mai extinse ce ar fi putut fi aprinsa in flacari); pisica patrata ar putea fi imbibata in rachiu? ; dupa ce calugarul care a scris despre procedeul pisicii imbibate in rachiu a fost martor la punerea sa in aplicare, i-a dat un pumn in gat manuitorului pisicii? existau centre speciale de antrenament pentru om si pisica si exista un rachiu mai special ce avea proprietati imbunatatite fata de un rachiu ce s-ar fi baut intr-un birt? Si ultima: ar fi fost mai eficient sa se foloseasca o pisica imbibata in rachiu si un sobolan imbibat in rachiu? Pun aceasta ultima intrebare fiind cunoscuta rivalitatea eterna dintre cele doua animale bazata pe raporturi culinare (tin sa va spun ca si sobolanul era folosit cateodatin in rolul pisicii; probabil daca lucrurile evoluau in continuare, s-ar fi ajuns la folosirea unei menajerii intregi in asemenea cazuri de catre societatile estice mai „moderne”)
Va multumesc de pe acum pentru raspunsurile pe care sper ca le veti posta la intrebarile de la sfarsit.

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